***CAMGIRL MEMOIR - BOUNDARIES Part 3*** *Note: Sometimes ..

***CAMGIRL MEMOIR - BOUNDARIES Part 3*** *Note: Sometimes I will tell stories that can be triggering, but I want you guys to know that all of this is long in the past now and don't hurt me anymore at all❤️ I'm telling just some of my personal stories that caused a turn of events in my life. I do believe everything that happens can be turned into good lessons and I hope these can be helpful/interesting to others* :) **2012** **Who are you? What does your identity consist of? Why do you hold the opinions that you do? The common understanding is that we are the result of a variety of things we have no control over. Genes, hormonal levels, culture, language and many other factors play a role on how we process what happens around us. But most definitely our experiences and memories, no matter how big or small, are the most influential over our identity construction. We are always learning and reshaping... Evolving as you will, thanks to the never-ending change of events around us.** I had been a lot more quiet since the way my husband shrugged what I had to say about the creepy doctor off. I wasn't quiet out of drama nor anger though, but because I was thinking deeply about everything I had lived up to that point. In a messed up way, I could understand where he was coming from since my claims couldn't be proved. It hadn't been the first time I had gone through sexual harassment at all. In fact I had already gone through much much worse before, and survived. Thanks to God I had been completely healed about that time in my late teens. But a tinge of resentment was growing in my heart once again. The truth is that my view on men had been declining for awhile. At that point nearly all the men (family and friends) I had once respected in my life had screwed up badly against me or another, and my husband wasn't helping the case at all. But I had not given up yet. He had been treating me better since I had stayed a month in Brazil. Missing your partner can do wonders for the relationship...also, he seemed to really like my new boobs. By this time around I was a few months out of my surgery and it was a success. I loved everything about it. The size, the shape, the way it still felt natural to the touch. I decided I wouldn't return to camming, and give another shot to try to recover my marriage and my life. We had some good moments and I believed he could change back to the man I thought he was and that he appeared to be in the beginning. And now that I was feeling more confident, maybe things could go forward. ~~~~~~ **"I love when you touch me like this.."** - I whispered during our once in a month encounter *( I dreamed of a daily sex marriage...)*. Then, I gently tried to soften his hand and show him the way I wanted to be handled. His hand, however, declined to play along with mine and remained firm. **"Hmpf"** - I squirmed in pain and tried to hide it. The way he was touching me was very painful - **"mm babe please touch me like this now"** - I insisted, trying to move his hand while I screamed inside. Of course I didn't want to be brutally honest as to not upset him. I wanted us to get closer and improve our intimacy somehow. ***"Will you shut up?"*** - he said in an irritated tone, looked firmly at me for a second and continued with short pauses: ***"Stop.telling me.what.to do!"*** I felt like I was 1 inch tall. **"I was just trying to show you how I wanted..." - I tried to calm him down. He groaned and started to touch me again even more aggressively. **"Ouch"** - I moved my body up to escape his touch. He insisted. **"It's hurting a litt..." - I said in a low voice and moved up again ***"WHATEVER NOW I'M SOFT. What's wrong with you?? This is your fault!"*** - He said as he got up and jumped out of bed putting his clothes back on. **"What? It was hurting me! What was I supposed to do? Endure it?"** - My voice was now loud and clear. ***"You should have said it in a different way. You fucking suck at communication."*** He stomped out of the bedroom and hit the door behind him. But of course we still ended up in an hour long of argumentation and frustration anyways... Ah! The heated love nest of a you.ng married couple *(that should never have married...)* I couldn't understand why no matter how careful I was with my words I still managed to p !ss him off. Maybe he was right and my English was just too bad... I felt the chaffing of his awful roleplay for a few days but eventually I "forgot"... I didn't believe he was trying to purposefully hurt me. But I do think he had severe internal issues at the time and didn't know how to deal with being criticized in that situation. (even though I wasn't using that type of tone). ~~~~ **a couple of months later** My husband had a childhood friend that he was still very close with. We will call him T. He was married, and his beautiful wife had birthed a sweet and smart baby girl that looked just like him. What a gift of joy to a father. When their baby was a bit past her 1st year of life, the wife got pregnant again. They invited us to a get together at their place and even though I still felt insecure to hold long conversations with my English, I thought they made a lovely family and tried to genuinely befriend them every time we visited. T was good company. A good friend overall. and his wife was nice as well but too busy with motherhood to focus on new friendships. As my husband's birthday approached, he decided he wanted to invite his friend to spend the night so they could have pizza, drinks and play videogames until very late. I deep cleaned the house and prepared the living room so they could enjoy their time together. They did invite me to play with them (we all played often on Steam), but I wanted to go to bed early. I closed my laptop, placed it on the living room table (where I usually left it charging) and went to the bedroom. My emotional was more tired than my body. Later, on that same week, T sent me a message on Steam: ***"hey b! whats up? you seemed kinda off last time I visited"*** I didn't want to talk to him about our personal issues but part of me really needed to know if this was my husband's real personality as he insisted, or if it was something else... The situation felt off but I didn't have absolutely anyone else to talk to. So I dared to ask: **"You know H (let's call husband=H) since he was a kid and you also witnessed him in his previous relationship.. Would you honestly say he treats me in a similar way as to how he treated her?"** ***"honestly, he treats you like shit.. sorry"*** His words made me feel shattered, but I can't say I was surprised. **"Thank you for the honesty :( I don't know if this can be fixed"** ***"well his ex broke his heart and let him down bad, but I know none of this is your fault and he really should treat you better."*** Once he said that I felt comfortable to share a little more of my feelings. For the first time I was actually talking to someone about my relationship and feeling heard. I didn't tell him details of our arguments and issues but I made clear of how unhappy and hopeless I was feeling. He was understanding and said he would try talking to my husband in a subtle way. **"Thank you for the talk.. how is wife and the baby?"** ***"everything is good.. just chilling and having a few beers..."*** ~~~~~~ **about 1 hour later...** ***"heeeeeeeey B? are you still there??"*** **"yeah"** ***"I think you should know that I really love your pictures!!!!! I was looking at them right now"*** **"What pictures?"** - I was so confused, but a chill of alert ran down my spine. Up to this point I had barely gone topless on MFC for a couple of times and I had 0 content for sale. My chatroom was tiny and unknown. Also, I had not even visited the site in months! He had NO idea. T was talking about something else... ***"The ones in your laptop///did you send him all those pics when he was deployed?//??/? H is fucking lucky"*** **"wtf??"** He was typing like when he was d.runk (H and him had this in common) and I couldn't believe what I was reading. ***"lol!!!!!! your password was too easy dork!!!!!!"*** **To be continued...**