Christopher Columbus Was a Bit Of A Douche (even by 15th cen..

Christopher Columbus Was a Bit Of A Douche (even by 15th century standards)... I am by no means a fan of “cancel culture”, nor am I a fan of completely casting aside historical figures because they behaved in a way that would now, in present-day, be deemed unacceptable. However, I do support the idea of holding people accountable for their actions and adjusting my outlook on a situation when new information comes to light… What we now know about Columbus is he couldn’t find his ass with both hands… He set out to “discover” Asia, but instead landed in the West Indies and tried to convince everyone that Cuba was China (true story). Columbus was also the Jeffrey Dahmer of his time, as he was really into enslaving, m-utilating, r-aping and k-illing people. Per his own account, when he landed in the Caribbean, the natives were not violent and willing to trade with Columbus and his crew. There was no need to pillage the local population; he did that for sport. In fact, he was such a dickweed, that even the other dickweeds (fellow conquerers/slave owners/pillagers) couldn’t stand him. Things had gotten so bad under his leadership that the fellow settlers threatened mutiny. He was arrested, forcibly brought back to Spain and stripped of all titles; had a few more unsuccessful voyages after that and then croaked. He went to the grave still claiming he discovered a part of East Asia (friendly reminder: he did not). Oh and by the way…he may have been born in Italy, but he had ZERO allegiance to his fellow paesans. He worked for Spain and was also secretly working as a double-agent for Portugal… just a real disloyal rat bastard. All that being said, we’ve got to come together as a nation to find a better person to celebrate on this day. I’ve given it some thought and I would like to nominate Tony Soprano. Italian-American? Yes. Discovered new (trucking) routes for the waste management community? Yes. Helped colonize Essex County, New Jersey? Yes. A controversial historical figure who the whole country can still get behind? Yes. (note: If you didn’t like The Sopranos, you’re not a true patriot and should be stripped of your citizenship immediately.) I really cannot think of a more healing experience for this country than repurposing Columbus Day into Tony Soprano Day. Imagine the festivities?! Gabagool and good vibes for all. <3 Do the right thing, America. xxxo, BriBri