Diary of an Internet Whore As far as I can think back, I re..

Diary of an Internet Whore As far as I can think back, I remember I've always told people they can be all they want to be. I realize I had forgotten this mindset in the past few months, as I was spiralling into panic and despair. As weird as this may sound, what's always saved me in dark times is the iron addict mindset. By that, I mean the rules that I have learned from an early age, at the gym. I started lifting when I was 13 because I was sick and tired of getting bullied and roughed up and made fun of and I figured if I became some kind of mini-Arnold people would leave me the fuck alone and maybe I would enjoy being a boy and be able to rid my mind of all these girly and kinky feelings and cravings? And so I embarked on an 11-year journey into bodybuilding. If you saw pictures of me at 17-22 years old you wouldn't believe me. I was literally mini-Arnold. Extremely muscular, huge for my small 5'5" frame, and ripped to shreds as we say. But I was deeply unhappy and the more of a Chad I was becoming, the more I realized I actually am a Stacy deep at heart. There was this scary time at 24 where I had lost all will to live and was living like a machine. Day in, day out, I followed the plan. People asked me how I was able to stay motivated to workout 7-9 times a week. And I told them: "I am not motivated. I simply plan and exert self-discipline. This is what I do. Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday, morning and after noon, if it's on the plan, I do it, no more no less. Consistency, dedication. You can do it too if you don't look for excuses. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So I was a success in the eyes of others, yet, they all knew I was the most unhappy person they knew. There was this unspeakable darkness inside me, yet they could perceive that I am a benevolent, loving soul. But I was suffering... I decided to follow my own advice. Make a plan, stick to it. As ironic as it may sound, throughout my transition I looked up to my idol, Schwarzenegger. This is a man with vision who knows how to make things happen, who went into very different directions in his life and was successfull each time. So at 24 I walked out of the weight room with my jacked-up macho frame. I could have fallen into despair and self-pity over having "ruined" my body, as it is how I essentially felt. How could I ever lose 50 pounds of hard rock muscle and become the cute loving blondie I know I am? I had climbed a huge mountain and was at the top, one 315 pounds squat reps at a time, for thousands and thousands of reps. The body will follow the mind, and my mind is strong. So I laid out the plan. I'd induce muscle catabolism, starve myself, all the while returning to school to get my university degree so I could land a job to finance my transition. Still in the back of my mind lurked the idea that what I was doing was wrong, and that maybe I could cure myself by the end of my bachelor's degree, and at least I'd have a profession and be able to live as a man? I got the diploma, landed the job, paid back the debts, but was still stuck in soul-crushing dysphoria. At 30, I thought I wanted to die, until a spiritual experience made me realize that I did not want to die; I actually love life, but I didn't want to live it the way I had lived it so far. I wanted to live it my way. I was afraid. Fear of judgment is strong. I remembered the bullying when I was you ng, the insults, being called a girly blondie, a cocksucker, etc., and it dawned on me that hey, why not prove them wrong? What's wrong about being a blondie girly cocksucker? I think that a lot of people actually love it! So a few weeks before my 31st birthday, skinny as a skeleton after years of starvation, I stuck that first estradiol valerate needle in my buttcheek. Goodbye fake masculinity. No more skeletons in the closet. I came out and started embracing an authentic life. I realized that there is nothing wrong with being who I am and that I can show others that you can achieve your wildest dreams if you set your mind to it. I have done it. I just took this picture of my body this morning. Using the knowledge I learned as a kid, and the fire burning inside me, I did what seemed impossible and turned sad and forlorn Chad into happy and social Stacy, with a body designed, shaped, modded, and used specifically for sex 😇 Fast-forward to today, and I love it now when boys pull my hair and pin me down and call me a cocksucker. Quite frankly, I happily oblige 😈 The best part is that this entire time, I was following the rules of the iron addict life. If anyone is interested, I will quote below Arnold's six rules of success: "1. Trust yourself Many yo ung people are getting so much advice from their parents and from their teachers and from everyone. But what is most important is that you have to dig deep down, dig deep down and ask yourselves, who do you want to be? Not what, but who. Figure out for yourselves what makes you happy, no matter how crazy it may sound to other people. 2. Break the Rules Break the rules, not the law, but break the rules. It is impossible to be a maverick or a true original if you’re too well behaved and don’t want to break the rules. You have to think outside the box. That’s what I believe. After all, what is the point of being on this earth if all you want to do is be liked by everyone and avoid trouble? 3. Don’t Be Afraid to Fail Anything I’ve ever attempted, I was always willing to fail. So you can’t always win, but don’t afraid of making decisions. You can’t be paralysed by fear of failure or you will never push yourself. You keep pushing because you believe in yourself and in your vision and you know that it is the right thing to do, and success will come. So don’t be afraid to fail. 4. Don’t Listen to the Naysayers How many times have you heard that you can’t do this and you can’t do that and it’s never been done before? I love it when someone says that no one has ever done this before, because then when I do it that means that I’m the first one that has done it. So pay no attention to the people that say it can’t be done. I never listen to, “You can’t.” (Applause) I always listen to myself and say, “Yes, you can.” 5. Work Your Butt Off You never want to fail because you didn’t work hard enough. Mohammed Ali, one of my great heroes, had a great line in the ’70s when he was asked, “How many sit-ups do you do?” He said, “I don’t count my sit-ups. I only start counting when it starts hurting. When I feel pain, that’s when I start counting, because that’s when it really counts.” That’s what makes you a champion. No pain, no gain. But when you’re out there partying, horsing around, someone out there at the same time is working hard. Someone is getting smarter and someone is winning. Just remember that. Now, if you want to coast through life, don’t pay attention to any of those rules. But if you want to win, there is absolutely no way around hard, hard work. Just remember, you can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets. 6. Give something back We are not where we are today without any help. We all get help along the way. We've never done it by ourselves. Everything I have done—show business, politics, money I made, success in business and bodybuilding, my foundation, environmental organisations—it's always with a lot of help from a lot of people. Since they helped me, I should now help others! This is why I have after-school programs, why I help with Special Olympics, and why I care about environmental issues. I want to clean up the environment and create a green-energy future so our world is a better place than when we inherited it. We have to help people. There are millions of children who need help, who come from families that don't have enough money or don't read well. Help them learn to read! Encourage people to exercise! Join an organisation where you can give a kid a hug, hang a medal around their neck and say, "You're a winner! We believe in you. We love you. We care for you. Do something for your community, your state, your country. Give something back."