Hey! So I've read the responses I got from last week's poll...

Hey! So I've read the responses I got from last week's poll. I see half of you said you just want to see me suck dick, but there's also at least half of you who are interested in other aspects such as my musings. That makes me feel appreciated in two ways; first because apparently I am eye-candy and you enjoy watching me do sex stuff and I invest a lot of time and effort into it so it's nice to see I must be doing it right; but the second is that you also take interest in what I do and have to say. Now, is it going to be enlightening or not, only time will tell. One thing I know is that over my short time on this website and in this "business" I've had the pleasure of having some thoughtful, and even deeply perceptive fans who have helped me dive into an introspective journey to help me figure out "Who am I?" Another thing I know for sure is that I am very perfectionist. This might sound like a quality, but it is not always so. In my case, this constant striving to perfection causes me to suffer from a condition referred to as paralysis by analysis. Every time I have a project or an idea in mind I will turn it over and over in my mind until I have run all possible scenarios, and THEN only if the conditions are perfect I will set out to do it, secretly at first, until I have a product that I deem worthy of presenting. This can be the key to success in some instances: for example, if you are designing some kind of surgical device for which there is no margin for error. However, I have come to realize that in this venture that I have undertaken, the end result should not be the focus; rather, the purpose is the journey itself. It's a story about life. A story about love, hurt, hopes, failures, dreams, reality, a story about a girl next door with a big secret that's trying to make her way through life and who always gets back up on her feet despite all the hardships she has overcome and is still going through. And from reading your chats, comments, and parts of your stories, I have come to realize that I am not the only one who oftentimes feels inadequate, not good enough, and hesitates to pursue her dreams. But I've done it before. Many, many times I have taken leaps of faith and succeeded against all odds. I've shared snippets of my current and past life with you, and many have thanked me and said that I have given them hope and inspire them to do the same, that even in my currently low place, battling my heartbreak, job loss, and semi-homelessness they see strength in my spirit that I forgot I have. So thank you for that. I want to share more of it. I've been thinking a lot about it for the past week and I want to take action and make it happen. I am not sure what final format it will have, but maybe that's exactly the point: it will be like life, everything will be about experiencing the journey, the wait, the angsts, the joys, as they happen, without full control over it except for a hope and striving to find happiness and self-achievement. For all I know, it could simply be self-therapy, because I sure need it. My whole life has been in upheaval ever since I started this "project," if I may call it so. I've been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, successes and failures, manic and depressive episodes. Still unsure if I am simply being an unrealistic brat creating her own doom, or if life really threw me a few curved ones... but I can't remain idle and do nothing anymore. That's just not like me. Being on neutral kills my soul and I am an on/off type of person. All, or nothing. And so, after moping around for a month, I started posting again and taking care of my mind and understanding that hiding away in my room (which has been difficult to do, considering I don't technically have one!) is not the road to healing, and that sharing and discussing with people and talking about existential pain is a road to redemption, and if writing an account of how I manage to stay the course even when it feels like my entire world is crumbling apart. I'm taking it one day at a time, and today, what kept me sane was to kick my own sorry ass out of bed, and even if I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in days, had messy dirty hair, felt like shit, had no energy whatsoever, and was certainly not going to spend an hour painting myself a perfect face, I was just going to enjoy being me, and open up to a friend who's been worrying about me, my apparent lack of direction, and we went to the beach, and when she asked me why I am stuck in this bad rut, where I'm going to live, what I'm gonna do, I had absolutely no good answer to give her. But when she asked me if there is one thing I'd FEEL like doing, I said I'd like to write again. I used to write a lot, in my previous life, when I was in academics. And I was really good at it. And that I've been wondering a lot lately, how did my life ever come to this??? And so she asked me "But what are you going to write about"? I matter-of-factly answered: "I think I could write the truth of my life, the Diary of an Internet Whore?" Maybe...